I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize