I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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