My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
