yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
