$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
