I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
