Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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