I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
