So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
