i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
