i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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