giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i need some magic done to my vagina
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I want is dick and wine.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
