I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
