You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
