No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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