Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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