Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
