sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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