I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
