Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
