babies were throwing up all over the place
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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