Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
