guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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