i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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