Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
