Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
ttyl tear gas
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
