I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
