So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
