That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
