i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
