I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm sobbing to NWA
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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