Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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