Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
she smelled like a LAN party
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
