We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
