You made me cry and you don't even care
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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