i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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