WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
