My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash