I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..