can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
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he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.