Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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