So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
