they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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