I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
