EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Drunk is a universal language darling
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