I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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