I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
