girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
