You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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