My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
