I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
