Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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