be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
