Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
