oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
