Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
