fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
