Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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