I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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