I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
