Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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