i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
