I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
